2010: An Odyssey

od·ys·sey noun \ˈä-də-sē\; plural od·ys·seys
Definition of ODYSSEY
1: a long wandering or voyage usually marked by many changes of fortune
2: an intellectual or spiritual wandering or quest

Umm. Yes.  That is exactly what 2010 was for me and those close to me.  I really can't say it any better than that, try as I might.
 
I have had so many thoughts running around in my head over the past few months that I've been trying to make sense of.  I have been trying so hard that it has been very emotional and distracting.  I don't think I've been fully myself...or perhaps I am in the process of evolving into a new version of me.  Well, I should be doing that all the time anyway.  What I mean is I think these past few months have been, and still are, a more obvious evolution.
 
Ugh.  I want so much to be able to articulate all my thoughts and feelings but I just can't.  They sort of make sense to ME, but making them make sense to anyone else is another thing entirely.  I had hopes of being able to accept and let go of 2010 by last night, New Year's Eve.  Seemed like that should be doable.  Jessica told me awhile back that there is no timeline for these things, for working out one's issues (PTSD or grief), that I shouldn't try to give it a deadline.  But I hoped she was wrong, hoped I could use the dawning of a new year to "snap out of it!".  But alas, the burden and tension still linger.
 
Let me clarify.  I by no means am sitting and wallowing in a heap of crud.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  The "crud" is simply like a hovering thing, hanging out, waiting for a trigger to pounce and effect me in some way.  Life is essentially good!  After one of the worst times of our lives, we had a wonderful holiday season filled with love and laughter, food and gifts, warmth and joy.  We are loved and blessed.  I feel it and know it.  And I am happy.  We are all happy.
 
I have the Beatles song "The Long and Winding Road" in my head today.  I have no idea where or when I heard it in order for it to be there.  Maybe an angel put it there because it does seem to be appropriate:
 
The long and winding road

That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to you door

The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way

Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door

But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long long time ago
Don't keep me waiting here
Lead me to your door
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

So I guess I am beginning 2011 the same way I ended 2010, on an odyssey, the journey of my life.  And I suppose that's not a bad thing.  The journey's not supposed to end - ever.  Maybe it doesn't have to all make sense.  I wish it did!  And maybe some of it will.  But I've never been an all or nothing kind of person, so why start now?

Happy New Year to me!